Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
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Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children