live long and prosper!
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Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.