live long and prosper!
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly