I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
You Might Also Like
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
yea so i messed up lol
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
*me flirting
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.