Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life