Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

Customer is always right

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.