Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

Proctologist = Analyst

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?