Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 馃槀馃槀
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i鈥檓 taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Sorry, I didn鈥檛 mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
My dad is at it again
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that鈥檚 a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol鈥o
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I鈥檓 no longer allowed at the morgue
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it鈥檚 venomous tho
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I haven鈥檛 broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I鈥檝e had seven years of kids crawling into my bed