Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.