Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

😭😭😭

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life