Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body