[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
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Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.