I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
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All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.