Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
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My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva