Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
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Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”