Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
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I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
waiting for halloween be like:
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.