Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
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Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Don’t snitch tag.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
I’m being attacked 😭
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]