Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.