Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
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When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
who’s gonna tell her?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?