Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
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The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
how was your vacation
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*