Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
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Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.