Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

When does CPR become necrophilia?

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams