Lives near Army base.
Community page on Facebook:
“WhAt aRe tHoSe LoUd BoOms?!”
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GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Me: Why are you in my bed?
8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
