Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

Camel dough

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.