Livid.
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My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*lint rolls you awake*
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.