Livid.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops