Livid.
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A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Proofread twice, hang posters once
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
The United Steaks of America
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*