Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

Rude much 😂😂😂

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.