Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
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What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10