Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll