Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

This rocks

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations