living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
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The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
*performs CPR on the turkey*
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels