living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
You Might Also Like
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
SPLOOT
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Never forget.
checking out some reviews of my local library
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday