living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
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I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
The government even made aliens boring
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]