living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
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[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean