Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
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I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.