Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
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You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
When your parents check you’re ok.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
