Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE