Living the best life.. 😊
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Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
not seeing the problem
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
can’t believe I got front row seats
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.