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I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex