Living the best life.. 😊
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
early stone age tool
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.