Living the best life.. 😊
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Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Doctors texting each other.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.