Living the best life.. 😊
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GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
The little toadstool has spoken.
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12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy