Living the best life.. 😊
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My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
could’ve been anyone
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!