Living the best life.. 😊
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January