Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
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I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My first son he is wonderful
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
SPLOOT
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.