“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
You Might Also Like
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
This is a true ally.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
m’lady
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
