“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
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“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
NASA has no chill
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
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My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.