“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
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In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
making my dog give me my pills
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Thursday Thought.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.