“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
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R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY