“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool