“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
this country is so goddamn polarized
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
pain
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.