“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.