“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.