Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
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my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
When you kidnap a writer.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions