Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
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tinder is all about the long game
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.