LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
*pronounces surface like Versace*
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
