LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
