Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

Green is just blue that someone peed in

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

Wedding planning is organized crime.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.