LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
