Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.