Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
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“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.