Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
You Might Also Like
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running