Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
broke down and did it
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.