Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
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I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Saw this yesterday lol
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
doing some research
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.