Living with downstairs neighbors.. đ
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Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
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At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute âem so BAD.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasnât an omelette with ham.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory Iâd get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Letâs focus on this weekâs developments
Me: Ok, so Iâm trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? Iâm on a work call
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: I feel like we havenât talked much lately. Why donât we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: âI donât want to talk to youâ takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
The key to losing weight is to eat like youâre in a video game â donât bother with it until youâre about to die and then eat an apple
tired of seeing everyoneâs boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.