Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
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making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Yeah. This was me today.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”