Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
choose your fighter
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”