Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

Me trying to walk in a dream

RT if you could go either way.

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse