Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

when you don’t want to be too vague

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.