Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
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“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
More like Kate Missington.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.