living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
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Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
You know…for fall…
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My dog learned how to text
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*