living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
You Might Also Like
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
dogs can find happiness so easily
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Well, this certainly took a turn
