Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Double negatives are never not confusing.

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.