Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
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I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
some things should go without saying
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!