Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

😾

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

live, laugh, laundry.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

Bring back the McRib

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]